Easter- the day for rebirth!

The holidays are a really big deal to me.  Really big.  I live to change my decor out for the seasons, I love entertaining and bringing together the ones I love.  Today is Easter Sunday and it's been more than a little difficult.  I have been torturing myself with memories of easter egg hunts that I tricked PC in to, and forced family fun days with his parents.  After a few painful and miserable conversations with him, I've decided to instead focus on the idea of rebirth. 

I was trying to start this paragraph in the very dramatic beginning to every 9th grade paper I wrote... "Rebirth is defined by Merriam Webster as:.." but I didn't like their definition.  Not dramatic enough.  So I searched and searched and found this one that I thought was more fitting; inspring even.  "A renewed existence, actvitiy or growth". Yeah, I like that.  And so after hours of crying and what ifs, I've decided instead to enjoy my day.  Yes, my life is not where I thought it would be; but, it is also not where it was, and that (channeling my demi-god Martha Stewart) is a good thing.

Returning to the Castle

As I mentioned below, we bought our home in 2008.  We rented a townhome in the neighborhood for a year, and then decided to have one built ourselves.  I was obsessed with building our home!  I've never shied away from any reason to make a binder, so I launched in to Barbie home builder mode.  The model home for the builders was the same as the model we were having built so I spent hours in that model.  Measuring, looking at paint colors, floor samples, cabinet stains.. all of it.  I wanted this home to be perfect.  I researched, bargain shopped and haggled our way in to our home on August 29th.  My only disappointment was that PC didn't want to spend the night of the closing in the new, empty house.  That just seemed like the perfect sitcom ending to my months of planning but he thought it was silly.

Fast forward to today.  I'm sitting in the office in tears while I'm supposed to be cleaning.  We put the house on the market in March.  I moved out in mid-March and PC has been here since.  I was also the one to move out when we separated last year.  Neither one of us can afford the mortgage on our own, and I am the one who has had a free place to go both times.  During both times of separation, it has been heartbreaking when I've had to make a trip back to the house.  Today, someone wants to come back to see the house for the second time.  Very promising and exciting! I've been overjoyed about it!  Until I got to the driveway.  Looking at my house and seeing the house numbers, it started... the flood of memories.

We had a choice of where we wanted our house.  Our block of homes is anchored by our model on each side.  PC thought long and hard about it and decided on where we are based on where we would get morning/afternoon sun and how far the neighbors would be.  I preferred the way 5938 sounded and looked but we ended up going with 5932.  From there, my eyes move on to my "Spring has Sprung" flag that I bought last year, right before we separated.  The storm door that his dad's friend helped PC put up.  The doorknob and lighting package that we chose. The hardwood floors I agonized over. The couch that we bought with money from wedding gifts.  Our beautiful bedroom set, taken from the pages of a magazine.  Of all of these, the ones that sting the most are the memories that never happened.  The kids that would be brought home from the hospital to this house, the fun parties that didn't end in fights, the years and years of holidays and anniversaries.

Of course, if I'm being realistic, I should be remembering the fight we got in to in the kitchen that left me on the floor.  The trash can that I have looked through so many nights, trying to quietly estimate how much he'd had to drink.  The dent in the garage door from some time that I made him angry.  The bed that I have been kicked, shoved and pushed off of. The closet where I found the hidden bottle of vodka. I could go on and on.  Instead though, for some reason, I choose to torture myself with "memories" of things that never happened. The fairy tale that never quite was.

The Moral of the Story

This weekend, I was reminded of the importance of perspective.  My cousin's wife lost her father suddenly at a family member's wedding.  Take some time to re-read that sentence; taking in all of the loss.  She lost her father, her mother lost her husband, her kids lost their grandfather, the bride and groom lost some of the joy in their day, and he lost his life.  It's been said time and time again but life truly is short. 

My sister called me to tell me the news.  Just to set the stage... my sister, Rapunzel, is one of the strongest women I know.  She has a couple Master's degrees, 3 of the most adorable little boys you've ever seen (one of which was recently born at home... told you she was strong) and so much natural artistic talent and ability. She just seems unshakable to me. Things just roll off her back.  In that sense, she's the exact opposite of me!  Anyway, when she called me this weekend, I could hear in her voice that she was shaken.  After telling me about the details she rattled off a run-on sentence that I can still hear in my head.  She said "Life is short Monique, it really is, do your blog, do whatever you want to do because you just never know." And to me, that, is the moral of the story. You just never know.

Once Upon a Time...

Here's some of that groundwork I mentioned in that first post. I met Prince Charming in May of 2004.  I've never been one to believe in love at first sight but there was an instant connection.  I felt comfortable with him right off the bat; like I'd known him for years.  He told me that he'd seen me around town (the kingdom of WS) for years but never quite worked up the courage to talk to me.  It was sweet.  In the words of Tom Petty, "... the future was wide open". 

We moved pretty quickly.  Met in May 2004, moved in together May 2005, engaged in August 2006, married in October 2007, seeing a counselor by 2008, separated in 2010 and now, again, in 2011.  They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions; so is the road to separation. 

PC and I definitely had our ups and down, peaks and valleys.  Our peaks were high, but they couldn't always compete with the depths of our valleys.  You see, my PC has a bit of a drinking problem.  You know how they say that the first step is admitting there's a problem?  Check and check.  We've done that.  It's the rest of the steps that have proven insurmountable.  I have never, and probably will never, believe in someone as much as I believe in my dear, sweet PC.  I'm really struggling with coming up with the words to describe how much faith I have in him, and how great I believe he can be.  Unfortunately, alcohol has a vice grip on him and he just hasn't been able to make a clean escape. Neither have I.

So that's where we are now.  My dear friend, Maid Marian, has been kind enough to let me live with her mother during our separation.  Let's call her my Fairy Godmother. I live in her beautiful basement (it's majestic, even).  I am surrounded by the best family and friends a princess could have.  In the end, when all of the fairy dust settles, I know that I'll be okay.  For now though, like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of my life.  It's not the life I thought I would have, but it's time to take ownership of it. 

First Blog Post EVER (please pronounce "EVER" in your best Oprah-Favorite-Things voice)

So I guess I'm a blogger. Who knew? 

I'm starting this blog because I've been meaning to start a journal but have unfortunately forgotten how to write with a pen. This is much easier, even if it is a little self-important for my taste.  Before I offend my blog having friends, let me explain. Going through other blogs for inspiration I realized all the reasons I don't have for having one.  Pregnant? Nope.  Engaged? Nope. On a life changing journey?  Well, kinda maybe but in a more local sense. 

You see, I'm going through the hell that is separation.  I got married in 2007-- wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's set some ground rules:

1- I'll never say people's real names in this blog.  Just for fun, I will give them fairy tale nicknames.  For example, my husband will be Prince Charming (PC), my work BFF's are Hansel and Gretel.  I'm hoping to not have to resort to Disney character but we'll see.  Suggestions are welcome.

2- This is more a rule for me.... this blog will NOT be about my marriage, it will be about me.  Again, this blog will not be about my marriage, it will be about me.  I'll lay some basic groundwork about my marriage but that will be all.  If I stay true to this blog title, this is my rewrite from this point.  No turning back, right?

Since I don't really know what I'm doing, I'll stop with 2 rules.

Here goes nothing!